JOKES
Got a Good one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share.
Links:
My other Joke Pages:
Political & Religious Humor, More Blond Jokes 
Toon of the Day
HOW TO IMPRESS A
WOMAN
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go the end of the earth and back again for her
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN
Show up naked,
Bring beer.
Subject: Age
I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't
have to go along.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that
an ironic time for a guy to get
those odds?
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the
middle.
Someone has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What could hell possibly
be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by
the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you
home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care
to exercise.
At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking
lot.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know till the 4th
of July.
Several new viruses have been discovered and are wreaking havoc throughout the national
system.
Beware of..
THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory)
THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy)
THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone
about what it did)
THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored)
THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes)
THE OPRAH WINFREY virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then slowly expands
to stabilize around 200mb)
THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus....(Deletes all old files)
THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be inserted)
THE PROZAC virus.... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care)
THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files)
THE ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus (Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back)
THE LORENA BOBBITT virus...
(Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows
The 60's vs. the 90's
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: A keg
Now: An EKG
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints
Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
Now: The President's struggle with fidelity
Then: Paar
Now: AARP
Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
Systems Corp New Policies & Procedures:
SICKNESS:
We will no longer accept doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to
the doctor, you are able to come to work.
OPERATIONS:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all that
you have. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you as you are. To have
something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
DEATH OF OTHERS:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends,
relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the
arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead
enough to keep the job going in your absence.
YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as
we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the
practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A'
will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20,
and so on.If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next
day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with
a co-worker. This exchange must be approved by both employee's supervisors.
PAYCHECK GUIDE:
The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand
their paychecks:
Gross pay - $1222.02 Income Tax - 244.40 Outgo Tax - 45.21 State Tax - 11.61 Interstate
Tax- 61.10 County Tax - 6.11 City Tax - 12.22 Rural Tax - 4.44 Back Tax - 1.11 Front Tax -
1.16 Side Tax - 1.61 Up Tax - 2.22 Down Tax - 1.11 Tic-Tacs - 1.98 Thumbtacks - 3.93
Carpet Tacks - 0.98 Stadium Tax - 0.69 Flat Tax - 8.32 Sur tax - 3.46 Ma'am Tax - 2.60
Parking Fee - 5.00 No Pkg Fine - 10.00 F.I.C.A. - 81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund - 9.95 Life Ins. -
5.85 Health Ins. - 16.23 Disability - 2.50 Ability - 0.25 Liability Ins. - 3.41 Dental
Ins. - 4.50 Mental Ins. - 4.33 Reassurance 0.11 Coffee - 6.85 Coffee Cups - 66.51 Calendar
- 3.06 Floor Rental - 16.85 Chair Rental - .32 Desk Rental - 4.32 Union Dues - 5.85 Union
Don'ts - 3.77 Cash Advances - 0.69 Cash Retreats - 121.35 Overtime - 1.26 Undertime -
54.83 Eastern Time - 9.00 Central Time - 8.00 Mnt Time - 7.00 Pacific Time - 6.00 Bath
Time - 4.44 Time Out - 12.21 Oxygen - 10.02 Water - 16.54 Heat - 51.42 Air - 46.83 Misc -
144.38 Take Home Pay: $0000.02
Summarization:
This is your 2 cents worth, which you may use in anyway you choose. As long as it isn't
used on company time.